BEING CARING AND SELFISH

 Are Not Mutually Exclusive

Like many of you I have tried many things in my life. A long time ago I noticed that whenever people said they were trying to do something, they failed to successfully reach their stated goal. I always told my children “do not try”, “do!” It was something I learned from my father a long time ago. He would present what seemed to be impossible task and if I complained, he’d tell me, “Butch find a way and get it done.” I’ve told that story every time someone asks me how I did something that appeared to be beyond my capacity. My daughters probably were sick of hearing this story by the time they left home but it fostered their success.

I have not done this with everything in my life and there are some moments I wish I could do over. My academic performance in college did not meet my expectations or any one that knew me. I was not interested in my own success and did spend enough time on me. I seem to always give it my all when it involves people I care about but frequently find ways to sabotage myself. In order to be able to do what I am doing now, I knew I needed to exam a simple question. Do you care about you as much as you care about others and if not why not?

Challenging question isn't it? Can I answer it? Yes! Do I want to answer it? No! First let me tell you why I think I need to publicly answer it. When my first opportunity to lead in a professional setting presented itself I was a little reluctant. I was reluctant because it was my experience that people will follow until it becomes difficult and at different times in my life, quite dangerous. As a reference, while attending college as a freshman, I was named in a Wheeling, W. VA newspaper as the “Leader of the Blacks.” This was in 1975 and it brought a great deal of unwanted attention to an introverted by outspoken 17 year old African American male.

My experience in college really marked me and I consciously avoided any leadership roles. I did not want to experience what I perceived as betrayals and cowardice from the very same people I protected. Who would protect me? I stepped out on blind faith realizing that the people you expected to protect you were usually not the ones that did it when you needed it. However the phenomenon continued to be a concern. Would I be left holding the bag again when I challenged authority as this project required?

While discussing this troubling concern, a friend said to me, “You appear to not be afraid of anything.” I was surprised to hear this from a friend who knew me pretty well. She went on to say that, “this perception of you by others is why they will not follow you when it gets hard.” I requested more information and they went on to say “most people are afraid and if they think you are not, than you are different. They do not equate what you do with what they believe to be their capacity and it is because you do not share your fear. If they are afraid and think you are moving forward without the same fears they know they have why would they follow you?

This was a very revealing moment and it is the reason I am sharing this personal story with you today. So my reluctance to take on a leadership role again was not warranted. I stepped up and did it well for about 13 years resulting in many people still being served by entities like the EPIC Stakeholders, the Truancy Courts and Girls TRACK. I expressed my fears and concerns openly and they followed me into the fire. I was successful as one of the leaders and we were successful.

But again this was for someone else other than me. I believe I was a great father again motivated by the desire to care for someone else. When I really think about it ever fight I ever was in was me protecting someone. In fact the seriousness of the weight training had/has a lot to do with my desire to protect those around me.

Selfish is a word that when I hear it, like many of you, I think oh no, not me. If you were raised in Catholic School you heard the evils of being selfish all the time. It was defined for me as uncaring, lacking empathy etc… and I believe it was for many of you as well. In fact in the thesaurus in MS Word they use the terms, self centered, self seeking, and the antonym is altruistic. Wow, who would want to be that? None of us do, right! Well there are some things you may accomplish in life without being selfish but some will require some selfishness on your part.

Being perceived as selfish is a fear and barrier for me. When I wrote in an earlier blog titled, “I Quit,” about needing to change the way I think in order to succeed at smoking cessation, this is the change required. So let’s re examine the word selfish. Doesn’t it really mean to take care of oneself? What is wrong with that? We are told it all the time particularly as we interact with those that care about us. Don’t you hear “take care” frequently from loved ones? Don’t you hear constantly, “be careful?” Can’t be all bad if it is constantly being recommended to us by loved ones, strangers, and those charged with caring for us.

So why aren't we able to do it? Why can’t we set aside a minute, or tens of minutes each day or week to take care of ourselves? Maybe it is because it is erroneously associated in the foundations of our learning and unconscious memory with the word selfish. I offer to you that Webster and others have done a piss poor job of defining this word in its entirety. The definition needs to be expanded to include a benign statement of “caring for oneself.” Being selfish and caring for others are not “Mutually exclusive.”

I have tried to stop smoking many times and for many reasons including wanting to share this planet with my daughters for as long as possible. I was never successful before because for me it requires being selfish to succeed at something that is so hard to do. In past attempts I struggled mightily each moment of each day. In fact if I did well I would award myself with a cigarette or 2 or 3. Whoa, here comes self sabotage served with a good measure of self delusion.

It was not until I decided that I was as important as all the people I have cared for, protected and risked my life on occasion that stopping smoking became possible. It requires me to provide care for myself in the same way I do for my daughters and wife. I am on track and succeeding because I was able to focus on me. It started with expanding the definition of the word selfish to include positives rather than being perceived as exclusively negative. I realized I deserve the same care that I provided for others and it would be okay. I am not smoking for the first time in almost 40 years as I am caring for me.

I tell this story to encourage you in whatever endeavor you may be trying to do right now. Despite how it may look everyone has fears even when they will not express them. Whether it is better health or a better life, it is okay to care for yourself while you still care for others. I am inspired as my thought process has changed and now I am rewarding myself for success with another moment of non smoking. It has also inspired me to move forward with my business and succeed there as well. My hesitation is the amount of self time and commitment to self it will take to succeed.

So take it from me it is okay to spend some time each day being selfish. Turn the world off and figure out what you need and want for yourself. Some may turn their back; bad mouth you and even sabotage you and hopefully you understand it is okay to care for oneself. Get Up Get Moving, Get Selfish and know that it is very difficult to be Healthy without being Happy. Fill your cup as high as you wish and then share its contents.

“CHIT CHAT WON’T BURN FAT”