I find it interesting via my observations of various persons in all walks of life the amount know ledge they have but do not use for their own benefit or others. They have the information and the tools to enhance their lives but they do not use it. I listen to them complain about their circumstance and yet they do nothing to change their status. I hear at the supermarket, on public transit, in waiting rooms, and of course on Facebook.
My experience over 26 years in Human Services, 2 years with a school district and 20 years as a personal trainer provide a great deal of material for this subject. Barring mental health issues what is it that stops us from moving forward with our life in a purposeful and meaningful way. Most will say fear but is it that simple? In most cases fear is the barrier we face daily but not necessarily fear of the unknown as we are frequently told. Frequently it is fear of the known combined with a fear of having others know we do not want anymore than we have right now. We are satisfied with our lives as they are but we are not comfortable with how we may be perceived by those around us.
Let's start with case study 1. I worked with this woman for over 10 years providing personal training, nutritional consultation and emotional support. Her goal was to lose weight and improve her health. She trained faithfully and she trained hard. We trained 4-5 days a week and often on the weekends as well. She also self sabotaged constantly and practiced negative thinking and self deprecation the way a professional athlete may train for a special event. Her goal was to lose in surplus of 150 lbs. and she approached her goal on several occasions and once got to within 30 lbs of her goal. Each time I noticed that the closer she got to her goal and the better she looked the self sabotage increased with frequency and intensity. Up and down she went and over time she really did not need my personal training but she continued to require my support and counseling. She had the information but it was not enough and no amount of counseling or support was going to change that. Despite increasing health problems, heart, joints and other issues she found a way to take herself back to her self described place of despair and hopelessness. Her words not mine.
Her fear was not of the unknown but of knowledge and experience. Although she often derided herself for weighing so much she wanted the weight. She needed the weight to protect herself from the vulnerability of being female. She no longer wanted random male attention, since as a younger woman with a curvy body she assaulted and damaged. Her weight protected her from random male attention unless it was negative. Trust me people can be cruel when you visibly different, particularly over weight. Her issues were complicated and despite all of the counselling, therapy and training she never reached her goal and subsequently returned to or surpassed the original weight. She is where she wants to be for reasons she understands and really does not want what she says she wants.
Case 2 is a compilation of experience particularly with professional colleagues and peers. How many times have you heard these words,"I could do that if given a chance"? Well me too, hundreds perhaps thousands of times I have heard those words spill from some one's lips and now I just look to the sky a walk away. Not because the words are not true but because even if provided an opportunity and a gilded pathway, they are not going to do it. It is just not going to happen. Fortunately, I was in a position, throughout my professional career to provide opportunities and never once did anyone who I ever heard speak those words step up and take advantage of the opportunity once it was offered/provided. In fact most run once it is provided and make excuses for why they are not going froward. Self sabotage also raises its ugly head in this scenario as well. I can say that most who came and asked for an opportunity to further develop did so and did it well. So what happens with those that proclaim to want an opportunity?
Basically, nothing happens they stay where they are because it is comfortable and non threatening. They may or may not like, or be good at what they currently are doing but they feel safe. Their is no test of their skills ability or experience. Rarely are they required to do anything they makes them the least uncomfortable or stimulates growth whether it be physical, mental or spiritual. There is no need for them to be in the moment, determine the circumstance, devise a plan and execute it successfully. I would make the argument that this is not fear but comfort with the success they have achieved that is the dominant factor. Fear may play a role but comfort with friends, family, workload, time off, colleagues etc... is the power that holds them in place. They will continue to make the statement we started with until it becomes obvious they are not going anywhere. Once you here them say, "I could of done that if I had wanted to", know they have realized as well and that is probably a better place for them to live, since they never really wanted it in the first place.
Case 3. These folks are the most perplexing because they really, really want it bad. They will put it the time and they will work. So what happens? In a word short cuts. They love a short cut a hook up a solid a favor. These folks are easy to identify, you see them at the beginning of the race and again at the 25 yard line. You may see them again at the 50 or 60 but when you look around for them later they are back at the finish line. That is where shortcuts take you back to the beginning never reaching your goal because short cuts, cut short the chances for success. Someone I know well and love dearly, suffers from short cut syndrome and fails to see she is always starting over from a worse place than the time before. Ground level becomes familiar for these people and starting over seems normal since when they return to the starting line there are familiar faces and the faces they know they will never see again.
Perpetual starters is what you may want to term them. They just do not want to commit to the entire race. They will do it for a time and make progress but offer them what appears to be an easier or quicker way even they know it is not the prescribed path they are going to take it. And what is amazing is they all take different paths but they all wind up back at the start. To the casual observer, it may appear to be a difficult life but for them it is comfortable. It is what they know how to navigate and them measure themselves by those around them who are veering off on the short cuts. What you will hear from them is, "At least I made it this far."
Some will argue their is a common thread among these scenarios and that thread is fear but I propose that it is comfort. They are comfortable with who, where and what they are at this moment but they are not comfortable with being comfortable. They do not want anyone to know for a variety of reasons including but not limited to criticism, acceptance and relationship. Fear may be a component but comfort is the overriding factor. Change will come when their lack of comfort with their circumstances is no longer bearable. If its bearable for them, your opinions, advice, encouragement are wasted and useless. Leave them alone and leave he door open.
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